Control

Got my own life

I'm gonna make my own decisions

When it has to do with my life, my life

I wanna be the one

In control

-"Control" Janet Jackson (ca. 1980s)



Janet Jackson first made this declaration when she wanted the world to know what was up. It wasn't Joe's life. It was hers. Damnit. Penny wasn't gonna be burned by Chip Fields anymore. She was in CONTROL! And she had the pelvic thrusts to prove it. I know how Janet felt then because that's how I feel now. But our lives contrast.

She sang this song as a young woman entering her twenties who wanted some breathing room. When I sing this song, it's with a question mark. Not because I don't believe the lyrics, but because I'm twice the age she was when she sang it, and I'm nowhere near being in control. Of my own life.

I must first say that I am not complaining. There are facets of my lack of control that I consented. For example, motherhood. I signed up for that. Checked yes and intialed that contract. No problem there. I love being a mom. It can be exhausting but it's fantastic. Then there's the whole wife thing. It's delicate. It's frustrating and rewarding. I AM NOT IN CONTROL, but that's what I signed up for. Ok. Now there are some areas where I am not in control and it's not ok. One of those areas is my career and that, of course, affects my whole life.

Since our daughter was born, I've become obsessed with my legacy. What would I leave behind financially, familially, etc.? What would be my mark on this world? My imagination has never been the problem. Check that. I've always been able to dream big enough. But lately I've experienced some anxiety regarding my accomplishments.

I'm sitting at the computer, I'm clicking the mouse, but it's not following my commands; THAT IS SO SUPER FRUSTRATING.

I'm not quite ready to expose everything, so I'll simply say that I teach public school. I teach some of the roughest kids in town. My kids are good kids, but they have ISSUES. I write at least one referral per week. Usually the issues are simple things but through my own experiences, I understand that their behavior is simply their response to a bad situation and they too lack control in their lives. Everyone is telling them to do what they think works for them, and if they just follow the rules, their lives will turn out fine. What do I say when I know different. I followed those same rules and the only thing I can say is that I could have saved myself a few thousand dollars in students loans. I'm in my early thirties and I look at my students everyday and wonder if I will ever be in control. Not just in my classroom, but in my life. I guess I'm just learning how to deal.